The moon was last new on August 4th at 7:13am. The last cycle’s theme of Experience saw me trying to differentiate between the kinds of Experiences I was living through – trying to make sense of what does and does not work for me is a lifelong effort. Thankfully, I believe I’m starting to realize that reading from an outdated script serves no one – and that the best Experiences are those that are true to the nature of our individual essence.
Over the past several years, as I put more and more distance between myself and past traumas, I have come to see the friction caused by my living life on my own terms versus my feeling some sense of obligation to ‘the other’ – some amorphous entity for whom I’ve been performing through this life. I always felt like any deviation from what the expected script might be would be an unforgivable offense – so much so that even when called upon to play a role that was anathema to my own desires, I would put on the mask and perform anyway.
This is where the last cycle’s focus on Experience came in. Which were my own genuine Experiences, and which were simply scenes in the play of my life that I hadn’t written? I was in conversation last night where the idea was raised that the act of writing can be a sacred thing – we write with intention and manifest the concepts in our spirits to be something the whole world can view. With this reasoning, the act of being the author of the script of our own lives becomes even more crucial.
The facility to write our own script is one aspect – but the Freedom to craft our own story is another, which makes Freedom the focus for this cycle. For too many years I had constrained myself in a variety of unhealthy ways – assumed expectations, withholding communication in fear of anger or abandonment, and a diminished sense of self-worth. I also imposed resource constraints on myself – adopting the role of the underdog to lower the bar, to lessen expectations, and to play it safe.
The Freedom being manifested in this cycle will throw off more of those self-imposed burdens, providing me with a perspective that I always aspired to, I always lived to – but never practically had. The Freedom here is the transition from “fake it until you make it” to “acknowledge that you can make it.”
I was reminded in a conversation with a most trusted soul that I often lived my life as the person I had hoped that “one day” I might be. While well intentioned, I can’t hide from the fact that this meant that I was living a lie. I did not have my act together nearly as much as I masked that I did. I haven’t had my act together, mostly because, until now, it wasn’t “my” act. It was what was scripted – either for me or by me and inspired by fear. It was a good character, but there is a difference between method acting and walking off the stage and actually being that person.
So this cycle I will explore and test my willingness to provide myself Freedom from my past. I don’t pretend that this will be quick or easy – but every journey begins with a first step.
This cycle’s companion song is another that I sing to myself – a call to leave behind the identities that we crafted or adopted and write my own story – to live up to being the person I always wanted to be, to be the me I see myself as. Or, to quote a line from the pre-chorus, “All we have to do now is take these lies and make them true somehow.”