At 6:32pm on Tuesday, December 12th, the moon was New again. We were almost half a cycle in when I posted for last month, and the Moon was just full again this past Tuesday – so while these posts are evenly spaced, I am not posting close enough to the New Moon for my own liking. I will add that to my list of New Year intentions.
Last cycle, I focused on Compassion. While the path toward the focus was dedicated to finding Compassion in our hearts for others, I closed the post by reflecting on needing to find Compassion for ourselves too. In closing, I said that “We should strive to be who we want to be, not who other people have come to expect, and acknowledge that we are as deserving of Compassion as those we would seek to be Compassionate toward.”
I have lived most of my life being who other people needed or expected me to be. I was Switzerland; I was the peacekeeper; I relegated myself to the background to try to be unobtrusive, stepping into the spotlight when called upon to entertain or distract.
When I was very young, sometimes we would have company come over to the house – and at night, when everyone was leaving, I was called to come to the top of the stairs to sing Moon River as a closing theme for the evening. Called upon to entertain or distract. This is one of the reasons I need to continue to schedule alone time – no matter how well-intentioned anyone might be, the fight or flight of the perception of “being called upon to entertain or distract” is exhausting. Only when I’m alone are the voices of expectation stilled.
This doing and being in an effort to fit in and survive in a world where I never really felt at peace has persisted throughout my life. It’s only been in the past four years that I’ve been finding Compassion for myself and edging closer to living life on my own terms. I’ve gotten better at forging off on my own or shutting down. I’m still working on how to best integrate self-care with being social in a healthy way.
Seeing these things about myself – acknowledging and working with them – brings me to this cycle’s theme: Realization. We walk through our lives sometimes as if they’re scripted – we’re supposed to think This, and we’re supposed to do That – but what if those scripted roles are not who we are? What if we’re tired and don’t want to sing Moon River as the company leaves?
Twenty-five years ago, I wrote this cycle’s song while watching work colleagues grind away at unpaid overtime and forsaking the joys in their lives in the quest to meet an arbitrary deadline. The song calls us to Realize what really matters – where our joy truly stems from – and how to capture those moments.
So this cycle – in the midst of the holidays, travel, de facto social time, and obligations – I want to find those moments of Realization. Moments where there is stillness and appreciation for the wonders this life can bring. Moments where the soul can find a safe place to breathe.